It's okay to not be okay
This is a difficult topic for just about anyone to talk about between societal stigmas and the complicated, individualized nature of it. No two people are exactly alike, and while we might share similar life experiences we might not always process it all the same. Our brains are unfathomably complicated like that and we simply try our best to communicate with each other in spite of this. So for this post, I want to risk being vulnerable and open a dialogue that if it helps even one person reading this I'll consider it a rousing success.
This year has been a stressful time for all of us considering the circumstances. In my own case, I had only just begun to try and transition from what had been my lifelong passion in football when COVID struck and I was forced to stop working after an outbreak was tracked to my workplace. Like millions of others I was left unemployed, rudderless and unsure what to do next. I've mentioned this before in my football posts, but I'm introverted and naturally a pessimist at heart. It's one of my greatest personal flaws and I struggle with not letting it completely consume my thoughts . This was a dangerous combination of events, being a natural introvert is one thing but I at least always had the opportunity to go out on my own if I wished. Having that agency robbed from you feels suffocating, having a family history of health issues in tandem with having to live with 2 potential high risk adults made it even worse. This left me with a lot of time to stew on my own thoughts, some your typical insecurities like "What are my next steps during/after this?", "Can I really find something else I enjoy and excel at doing like I did football", or "Are my parents going to be okay during this", others more on the negative spectrum like "The best parts of my life have already passed me by" and "I'm a failure for still having to stay with my parents/family at my age", which on their faces seem like absurd claims taking the state of the world and this country especially right now, but nonetheless still cross my mind to my detriment.
Even as things have begun to ease up on that front and I try to juggle a balance between living my life and not potentially exposing myself and by proxy my parents, it's still a challenge battling the worst impulses of my mind. I'm someone whose objectively lived a pretty privileged life, whereas many others who've endured more real, enduring trauma and hardships to have to work through even greater hurdles than I. It's a lot to put onto one's plate, and for men especially we're raised to think this is something we have to handle on our own internally and expressing these thoughts is viewed as weakness or "unmanly". It's why I was so incensed when a few weeks ago when a former teammate of mine in Dak Prescott got slammed for struggling to deal with the mental fallout of his brother's death
"F*** Skip Bayless"
This absolutely repugnant shitheap of a take is exactly the kind of stigma I'm talking about. I do not exaggerate when I say it is literally killing millions of men, whether it be slowly or very much literally. It takes a lot of courage to be willing to expose these vulnerable thoughts to other people, whether it be close friends and family or professionals. To have those thoughts be rejected is not only humiliating and cruel but makes it even less likely for people to reach out, dooming them to be prisoners of their own mind. To bring up yet another example, one of my longtime friends in Solomon Thomas tragically lost his sister the same age as me to suicide, and been very open in chronicling his struggles emotionally, not only for his own personal sake, but so that he could serve an beacon of hope to those struggling with their own mental health.
For more specifics about Solly and his late sister Ella, see this article (https://www.espn.com/nfl/story/_/id/24665423/san-francisco-49ers-solomon-thomas-pens-emotional-essay-sister)
Our modern society's focus on mental health is a a pretty recent development. In the old days people would liken it to more abstract concepts like being spiritually/demonically possessed, and even up to the past couple of centuries most people would think of "mentally ill" people as lunatics and potential criminals who needed to be holed up and separated from society. Thankfully, nowadays we know better and that it is a very real issue that affects almost all of us to varying degrees. Stress, anxiety, trauma, grief amongst others; all of these things that weigh on our mental state and have an effect on our day to day lives. We all have our methods for managing these feelings, some healthier than others. Sometimes, whether its just a really bad day, or an accumulation of events over days, weeks, months, even years, we just hit a wall that greatly threatens our ability to function in our day to day lives and just break down.
I'm not okay. I don't have everything all together like curated social media feeds would like us to believe. I still don't have a clear idea of what's next for me. I know I need to be better at communicating these thoughts to others close to me, for both their sakes and my own. I'll have bad days where I might be my own worst enemy. It'll be a struggle and it likely won't get any easier going forward! And that's okay. We're not built to take these issues on by ourselves. I'm fortunate to have the support system that I do, and for the first time considering seeking professional counseling myself. It's not embarrassing and it's not shameful to take steps to being the best person you can be while on this floating space rock called Earth, and to hell with anyone who tries to tell you otherwise. It's okay to not be okay
“Take care of y'all chicken....Take care y’all mentals" - Wise philosopher and pretty good RB Marshawn Lynch